When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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