I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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