Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
