I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Someone shattered a urinal.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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