i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
