life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
