I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
