I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
