I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
