Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
