I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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