I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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