having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
