handjob tips. give me some.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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