I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
