I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
