The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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