My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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