I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
