Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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