Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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