phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
