He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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