she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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