You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
