My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
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mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
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We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Who died my cat blue again?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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