I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
