Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
