I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
