i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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