You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
