I hate all girls vehemently.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
