Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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