I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
