He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
