the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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