Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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