How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
