I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
