so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
