im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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