She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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