my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
