he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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