girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
