For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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