I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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