Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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