I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
