Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
