I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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