I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
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And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
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Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately