Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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