one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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