Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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