Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
